I Hate My Religion
a Christian and I hate my religion.
being able to be myself, in this world is slowly killing my soul.
me give a little introduction. I grew up in a sheltered home. An abusive
Christian home. My mother left me and my little brother when I was five. She
just couldn’t deal with the severe domestic violence she would suffer with my
dad who was at least 25 years older than her. When he wasn’t dragging her by
her hair on the floor, he was pointing a gun on her head or putting a knife on
her neck…to be honest, even though I grew up to be such a messed up human
being, I can’t say that I wished my parents would have gotten back together. My
mom was just a 25 year old woman who thought that this 50 year old man with
financial means would be a father to her previous two children and the man that
finally would put an end to her life filled with poverty and misfortune.
was born in a home like that. My parents never married each other.
my mom left that night, all I recall is a plastic yellow bag she reached down
from a closet, and the next morning she wasn’t there anymore.
dad took from her, even the two children that weren’t his biologically, but
they eventually left to be with her because they were being abused by him.
little brother and I stayed in that house maybe just a few weeks. My dad took
us to a home where his oldest son and his first wife were going to take the
place of my parents to raise us.
hated that place from the first moment I arrived. If I would have known what
awaited me for the next nearly 30 years, I would have probably run and
disappeared…just like a child would in her innocence…trying to hide somewhere
in a vast world….a world of evil where orphans are just the easiest prey to
trap and enslave. But of course I didn’t know. Children don’t have that
thinking capacity, that’s why parents are there to think for them what they
can’t on their own. But my father failed to do that. He left me there thinking
who knows what.
was a Christian home. It was a three story house. My little brother and I would
live in the first floor with the lady that later we called ‘mom’, along with
her three grandchildren who later became our best friends.
oldest brother was an abusive man. I don’t understand why my father would give
him the authority to rule my life. Everything around the house was done in fear
and everyone was submitted to him. It was, to put it mild a very oppressive
environment. I never had anybody to defend me, nobody….ever.
was taken to church every weekend. I couldn’t wear shorts or sleeveless shirts.
This religion is a horrible religion. Some people think that their religion is
the most difficult one. But tell me about a religion that tells you that you’re
the true church and that you’re supposed to be a light in this world, and that
you’re to live a blameless life. Say that to a child through an abusive
childhood and upbringing. Everything was distorted. The image of God, my
conscience, my family life, my social life….everything got distorted. Somehow
inside my head God became an abusive cruel oppressor just like my father, my
oldest brother and the rest of the people that abused me throughout my whole life.
My conscience was violated. The amount of fear that surrounds my life is almost
unbearable. I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress disorder) and OCD
(Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder) when I was 35. I’m 39 now and I have no idea
how to live. And I’m not exaggerating I have issues even about how to wipe
myself after going to the bathroom, I have such germ phobia, I am grateful I
can seat in this public library and write.
scared of everything. I even have no idea how in the world I will get married. Jesus
doesn’t approve of unequal yoke, and yet I don’t want to marry a man from my same
religion, I hate them all. I feel disgust towards them. Not a single man inside
this church warms my heart. But I don’t want to displease God, by disobeying
him and just marry a loving Christian man from another religion. The only
reason why I am still in this church it’s because I haven’t found another
Truth. Everything else I’m taught in other religions is so wrong and humanly
distorted, its right there, I can see it right on the surface. And this
horrible oppressing religion of mine, even though they have the truth, they
have no love whatsoever. They disgust me. I honestly feel like I want to throw
to me is like planting a tree. It starts with the seed which is the word of God
and what makes it grow is every good thing from the soil, the sun, the air, the
rain, the morning dew…nothing puts pressure on the seed as it becomes a tree
(unless you use those horrible pesticides and herbicides and all kind of bad
human made stuff, that only make the tree bear poisoning fruits). These
Christians want a person to become a beautiful tree on the second Sabbath or
Sunday they come to church. How sad. No patience, no cultivating love to let
the seed take its natural course, even if it takes years for the tree to bear
reminds me of Adam and Eve when they first sinned. They covered themselves with
a manmade dress, made out of fig leaves, they wanted to cover up their
nudeness…how silly they were, didn’t they realize that God already knew they
were naked? That’s what Christians want to do, and why don’t we all realize or
just accept our wretchedness….why can’t we admit that we need help. That these
stupid masks and costumes we wear are overbearing and exhausting….and all they
do is delay our salvation, that redemption that each person seeks from decease
and misery. ALL kinds of misery.
imagine a baby tree, forced to wear the custom of a majestic tree because
that’s the only way that he would be accepted in this garden. What type of
feelings or emotions would that create, “you’re not good enough”, “you are not
worthy” “you’d better put your self to the task by tomorrow or you’re out”. And
the funny thing is that you don’t have to be removed from the books of the
church to live in exile, you can come inside and live in isolation, if you
decide to be yourself.
remember when I used to go to overeaters anonymous. Yes, I have a food
addiction. More about it at later posts. There was something beautiful within
those walls were people met, it was honesty. As a matter of fact Honesty is one
of the most important principles or strongholds of this community, it is
through that honesty that their healing begins to unfold.
why God in His love, removed from Adam and Eve, their man made “customes”…..and
clothed them as a loving father would with the skin of a lamb that would be the
symbol of the only righteousness that a human being can uphold before God,
which is Christ’s righteousness.
me, it is that life of Jesus in me that molds me slowly to where I need to be.
He is not rushing, he never accuses me, and never condemns. He knows what I’ve
been through, He knows the pain I face just by opening my eyes every morning,
especially for all the wounds of my past that laden my soul and cripple my
wish I could go into church and just cry without being judged, or even with my family
or a friend if I had any. I wish somebody would listen to me, without
invalidating, without undermining or misrepresenting my distress. And yet, I
don’t have anybody. I have to go to bed with my excruciating pain about to end
my life little by little. And the only being I can talk to is Him, God. Because
I decided to give Him the opportunity to demonstrate me that He is not what
others say He is, I have given him the opportunity to demonstrate me that He
cares, and that like He says “ For I know the plans I have for you….plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. But not
only that, I have given him the opportunity to show me that He can be
everything I lack, absolutely everything. And because I am waiting on Him, and
all the things that He has promised to me in the silence of our early mornings
together, I have decided to wait. And I won’t harm myself, I won’t end my
life….because He says that He never lies and that He fulfills what He promises.
morning when I get up, I speak to Him and He feeds me with His words that bring
solace and comfort to my soul……….and just like after the darkest moments of the
night, morning comes….just like that, after this tormenting darkness of my
life, I will very soon see the light.