I suffer from PTSD and OCD.

Having a mental disorder, or mental
disease can ruin your life.

Knowing
that Jesus dwells in me and that He is living His life inside of me is the only
thing that keeps me from suicide. I have developed such deep relationship with
Him, that I know that He is here in me, with me…..for me.

The
plans that He has told me He has for my life. His blessings, His company, His
friendship and His care for me sustain me every day.

I
never built anything for my own, I always worked for somebody else, and
standing here in this moment of my life…creating something from nothing, as frightening
as it can be sometimes, it makes me happy.

Just
a few minutes ago, as I was sitting on one of the couches in this public
library, having an OCD attack, I thought how challenging it is for a mentally
disabled person to survive in this world. I was so concerned for a second,
thinking…”I have to write, start my blog, start this ministry….have my own
thing…be able to sustain myself financially, and be independent at last!”

Last
month, I asked my mom (my biological mom, I reunited permanently with her six
years ago), to give me a place to stay for three months, because I had a
project in mind. This project will be the door that I will walk through to end
this wretchedness of mine. First off, I will start living the life that I was
called to live, my purpose in this life…which is beyond my imagination can
fathom; and ultimately be independent….irrevocably established…lol, you can
tell that I mean it. Have my own things for the first time in my life. I have
never had anything of my own. Not even have I been able to rent my own place.
The only time it was possible to rent my own place ten years ago, my dad was
helping me with half the rent….I had to leave the place a year later because I
just couldn’t make ends meet. I have all kinds of memories from that year, from
not having money to buy food, not being able to drive my car for lack of gas or
stealing money from my mom’s purse to be able to pay my credit card.

In
respect to my relationship with my dad, I haven’t called him since December
last year and this is October already. I honestly don’t know what to tell him.
He thinks he has a normal relationship with me, I don’t understand why he
thinks that. I am a screwed-up child, wondering in the world, trying to find a
future….at least that’s what other people think….and my dad thinks I am ok, and
that I don’t care enough to call him. When I stated above what people probably
think about me, I said that because my journey in the past decade has been
different than what people actually think. My life with Jesus has been a lonely
and painful desert, a long journey to this point in time. I have suffered all
kinds of humiliations. From family members, who I asked for help. From friends
and acquaintances, coworkers etc. Being in the desert, a spiritual, emotional,
social…you name it desert it’s a real thing. Following by Faith the unseen,
being told repeatedly by others that you’re crazy for not living your life the
way others do….Being vituperated for being who you are.

I
came to Jesus, without knowing that before enjoying His blessings He would not
only take me through the desert, but also pass me through an ardent fire, a
scorching fire that has burnt down every living cell of my soul. It’s been
painful, a process that has altered the very core of my existence.

I can
barely put into words what I have been through. I encountered everything when
God crossed my path. Everything that was true, that I didn’t even know it was
there, came to the surface. He has answered every question of mine. And for an
orphan, that’s of incalculable worth. All the pain inside of me that I have
been carrying for decades he is revealing why is there. And as He is my witness,
I can’t wait for Him to reveal even more.

He
is revealing every disease, every enemy of mine, every cause of pain and
solitude. Every origin of sadness and desolation.

I
have been taken to the darkness of my soul. I have felt drowning as I
contemplate the depths of my sick mind, and many times as the closest thing to
die is lay down in my bed and sleep, I have slept countless hours waiting for
the day in which this metamorphosis of mine, this agony of hell comes to an
end.

It’s
true what they say about the transformation of caterpillars into butterflies.
Such process is so excruciating, LITERALLY, because for the caterpillar to turn
into a butterfly it has to digest itself entirely in the process…..Hmm talk
about pain….The healing journey from child abuse is long and painful. Stripping
away from your own self it’s the longest and most tormenting procedure you will
ever endure…but then I constantly hear that infinite voice that tells me
repeatedly: “Don’t lose sight of the butterfly…Don’t lose sight of the person
that you will become. Nature teaches you that this excruciating process, as
dreadful as it is, it has a time frame, a limit…an end”.